Thursday, July 3, 2008

A Fool's musings

Dearest J,
I need to voice some thoughts out in order to better understand what I am thinking. You're pretty good at helping me do that so I beg your patience while I look for my point.

I overheard some comments between Sam and Kain the other day that have perturbed my sense of self. For a long time I defined myself as a student, then all of a sudden I was a doctor. That change was a monumental one, it was not only the realisation of years of effort, but a form of rebellion against my family, the actualisation of my desire not to conform and because another business man. The title defined me as much by what I was not as by what I had achieved in becoming.

Then the war came, I never chose to be a soldier and throughout those horrible cycles I truly became the doctor I had only presumed the title to. I was baptised in blood and fire and more than the cycles of cramming physiology and doing my residency, the war helped me define myself as a doctor. Suddenly it was over, and with keffers’ departure went my sense of being. Returning South to become a private practitioner not only held no appeal, but held no meaning. So I drifted and gambled. I never saw myself as a gambler either, like soldiering; it was incidental to the circumstances.

The data disk and that fateful encounter with Delacroix, Tarmalin and Voneran offered me with an opportunity to find purpose. Fate also led me to you. In Baja I found what I needed: a chance to build something. For the first time I think I could understand what attracted people to business, it was the idea of building something. I had to accept that I had become more of an entrepreneur than a doctor, what’s more, and thought it stings my pride to admit it; I am probably a better entrepreneur than I am a physician. I certainly demonstrate more natural talent for business than I ever did memorising biology. All too quickly plan realised themselves, sound decisions bore fruit and timing and fortune congealed and I was rooted and somewhat prosperous.

I became a business man after all, a community figure; while that was happening a more important change occurred, one with more important ramifications and more pleasant benefits. I become someone’s partner and began to redefine myself again in a new way, as a husband and as a father.

You’re a terribly bright woman; you know all this though I have never spoken so frankly about existential feelings. But now I am defined in a way which I can’t reconcile. I am a spy; I see the events leading to this moment but cannot equate the sum of those events with the result. What’s more, a sanguine assessment of my ambitions and strategies thus far reveal that I am bent on being a Master spy, running an information and covert operation ring. Though I can clearly see the path ahead and the goals which need to be achieved I don’t define myself by them. Does my reluctance to admit to myself what I appears to be result from an overriding sense of idealism? I can’t accept that, I know that I am a realist because I believe that the ends justify the means I must employ. I need to do this to protect what I have built and defend the ideals of personal liberty. What I do out here is not for glory, not for power for power’s sake, it is not for profit or control. It is a tactical necessity for the type of threats poised to undermine New Baja. On a larger scale, we are also trying to prevent another global war, one in which Terra Novans will be the only casualties.

Perhaps I am fool ( or dreamer?), what can I achieve out here, what difference can this bring? Can we really hope to stand up to the intelligence agencies of the poles and survive? Perhaps I am fool for not staying at home with you and making a family and enjoying what we have. I have defined myself by what I was doing, by titles and aspirations. I have failed to define myself by ideology. Perhaps I should define myself by how I live my life. I may be a spy at the present, but I am a committed dreamer (or fool) first and foremost. Though I wish I could share this, I am not so great a fool as to let my musings jeopardise what I am doing nor your safety my love. I miss you.



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